struggle

“Mystery of Iniquity,” Lauryn Hill. Just Listen.

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“The truth is obsolete. Only two positions:Victimizer or Victim. Both end up in destruction trusting this crooked system. “

Listen to the words of this wise woman.

Drowning

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I’m struggling to remain afloat in a body of water that’s bent on trying to make me sink
These problems tied to my body like weights
I spend countless of hours flailing to stay afloat
Fighting against the waves of feeling blessed to be stressed and wondering what’s to stop me from giving up
My mind is in the process of asphyxiating itself
These tears won’t get me anywhere
I cry tears that only seem to be self homicidal
Raining down on my unstable fight between life and death
Only increasing the body of water that only tries to drown me

I’m trying to use these words … my words as a life preserver
I keep telling myself that I got this because God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle
That the beauty of being alive is the ability to feel pain
But who am I fooling right now
I just want it all to go away
I spend too many hours tryina figure out how did this happen to me
Pretending that I have the capacity to even begin to understand Gods work
Thinking myself into circles just trying to find a way out
Instead of finding my way out I find myself worried about the things that I can’t fix and things that should be so easy to fix

I say that prayer out loud… the one about asking God to give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Amongst this storm of doubt and pressures to give up I try to find that illuminating presence through the fog
A light house… Something to give me hope…to keep swimming against the current towards a pilliar of strength
Something that will encourage me to keep up the fight and preserver even though the weather man says there’s no chance that this shit storm will let up
Something that will help me get through each day and be prepared to take on all the challenges I am only bound to face
I keep trying to remind myself to be thankful for what I’ve got
To be thankful that I’m still able climb and reach the top
But I’m struggling to find the motivation that will get me there
I keep thinking that this is where my faith in God will kick in and keep me going but if that’s all I have I think I’m struggling
I should be thinking that He is I and I is Him and if I let myself drown under all the pressure then I commit murder to the essence of my soul…
HIM
Someone once said that God blesses those who hold on to their dreams… and if my dream is to survive then I might as well keep flailing cuz that’s the only way I’ll keep on persevering
I raise my hand up to the sky only asking for Him to grasp hold and pull me out of the perilous cycle I find myself in

Encased

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Spontaneously silent tears stream
Droplets of rain stream down my window
But not for the person in the accident that I creep by…
Not for the person who I quickly and silently say a prayer for
I pray for a person I don’t know…
I should be praying for myself…

Because the tears…

The tears…
Are for me
Tear’s for all of my pains and struggles
Each spherical droplet carries a story with in its walls

The heat from the car hood mixes with humid air
Creating whimsical like steam
The bass sends vibrations through seats and up my spine

Droplets on the window
Droplets on my face

Hopefully foggy windows hide my pain from the rest of the world
Encased in my two thousand pound bubble

I feel safe
Aware yet unaware

Hearing my thoughts over the music that screams around me
Bass determining the rhythm of my heart beat
Cars blur by
Headlights force their way into my space
Windshield wipers thud quietly

Need.. to free ..my mind

I search for clarity through the fog in my head
While I peer outside through the fog on the windows

Zone back in…

Just to narrowly escape a collision
They weren’t paying attention
I wasn’t paying attention
The taste of peanut chews on my teeth

And a reminder about the simple… fragile … painful… beauty…
Of life