Month: November 2010

What if…

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The winds we feel
Are remnants of  the exalted breaths of conversations
Spoken by our ancestors
What if…
A breeze is whisper of a thousand “I love yous” and “I’m Sorry’s”
Spoken years ago
What if …
Wind was made up of
The escaped shudder of breath of lovers exchange
What if…
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Wounded

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The human compulsion to love is like a wound

When taken care of tenderly
It heals with very little scars
When neglected and picked at
It scabs over and is rough to the touch

In that case my heart is covered in deep wounds and is suffering from infection

The fact is, i am not looking for the band aid nor the antibiotic
Because I know it will take time for my heart to build a strong defense against that which plagues it
That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?
The only person that can take care of my heart is me and there is no miracle drug that’s going to fix it
Believing anything else would only be a placebo

My wounds will heal with visible scars
Most will be unattractive to the simple person who looks for my flaws
When the time comes the right person will look for the detailed story behind my scar and learn just the right way to take care of my wounded love

*to be completed*

Mom…

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Life would be worth living if u were here And I know it
Because I’d live it for you
Even if we were poor and had our love to live off of Id be okay
And I know it
I just want to know what your favorite color is
I want to know what your favorite pregnancy food was
What made you laugh
What did your laugh sounded like?
What color you painted your nails?
And how rough your hands were?
How you liked to style your hair
I want to know what you smelled like everyday.
I wish I knew your shoe size.. because I can only hope to fill your shoes
I want to remember a time when I told you I love you
I want to remember a time where I heard your voice
I want to remember what your touch feels like
To be embraced in your hug
I wish there was some guarantee after life that I would see you again
I wish I could share my accomplishments
I want to touch your skin and feel your life
Feel your energy
Have stories to tell about you
Actually, I just want to listen.. to hear your voice
I promise I’d appreciate your every breath
What values did you live your life by?
IF you were here …
But all I have is pictures
With empty feelings
No Sound, no touch, no smell, no emotion
U cant hug me from there.. where u sit
Forever frozen in time
Your now just a faded memory
Like a picture.. with all the color washed out
But I’m the only one left…
And if I had one wish..
I’d ask for your life back..
To give you a chance to breathe again… a chance for a fresh start..
Because no matter how hard life got… I’d know that I’d have you..
And I know I’d be okay..
~RWN

Soul Music

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I am FEELing these beats right now
In a way thats indescribable
Got treble clefts on the mind
Wrapping itself in the crevices of my mind
Pulsating through my ears
Funneling through my soul
Stimulating my senses

Notes skip off of my imagination like rocks skipping across a still body of water
Each note crashing into me subliminal
Creating reverberations through my veins
Thumping.. sending electric pulses that
Making me shudder from the sheer pleasure surging through me
My brain drinking in every fluid ounce of passion and creativity
Empty reservoirs soaking in everything
Never satisfied… thirsty ..
for more music

So thirsty my soul begs for musical notes to be carved into every non-existent skin
Digesting … and craving more..

Drowning

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I’m struggling to remain afloat in a body of water that’s bent on trying to make me sink
These problems tied to my body like weights
I spend countless of hours flailing to stay afloat
Fighting against the waves of feeling blessed to be stressed and wondering what’s to stop me from giving up
My mind is in the process of asphyxiating itself
These tears won’t get me anywhere
I cry tears that only seem to be self homicidal
Raining down on my unstable fight between life and death
Only increasing the body of water that only tries to drown me

I’m trying to use these words … my words as a life preserver
I keep telling myself that I got this because God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle
That the beauty of being alive is the ability to feel pain
But who am I fooling right now
I just want it all to go away
I spend too many hours tryina figure out how did this happen to me
Pretending that I have the capacity to even begin to understand Gods work
Thinking myself into circles just trying to find a way out
Instead of finding my way out I find myself worried about the things that I can’t fix and things that should be so easy to fix

I say that prayer out loud… the one about asking God to give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Amongst this storm of doubt and pressures to give up I try to find that illuminating presence through the fog
A light house… Something to give me hope…to keep swimming against the current towards a pilliar of strength
Something that will encourage me to keep up the fight and preserver even though the weather man says there’s no chance that this shit storm will let up
Something that will help me get through each day and be prepared to take on all the challenges I am only bound to face
I keep trying to remind myself to be thankful for what I’ve got
To be thankful that I’m still able climb and reach the top
But I’m struggling to find the motivation that will get me there
I keep thinking that this is where my faith in God will kick in and keep me going but if that’s all I have I think I’m struggling
I should be thinking that He is I and I is Him and if I let myself drown under all the pressure then I commit murder to the essence of my soul…
HIM
Someone once said that God blesses those who hold on to their dreams… and if my dream is to survive then I might as well keep flailing cuz that’s the only way I’ll keep on persevering
I raise my hand up to the sky only asking for Him to grasp hold and pull me out of the perilous cycle I find myself in

Encased

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Spontaneously silent tears stream
Droplets of rain stream down my window
But not for the person in the accident that I creep by…
Not for the person who I quickly and silently say a prayer for
I pray for a person I don’t know…
I should be praying for myself…

Because the tears…

The tears…
Are for me
Tear’s for all of my pains and struggles
Each spherical droplet carries a story with in its walls

The heat from the car hood mixes with humid air
Creating whimsical like steam
The bass sends vibrations through seats and up my spine

Droplets on the window
Droplets on my face

Hopefully foggy windows hide my pain from the rest of the world
Encased in my two thousand pound bubble

I feel safe
Aware yet unaware

Hearing my thoughts over the music that screams around me
Bass determining the rhythm of my heart beat
Cars blur by
Headlights force their way into my space
Windshield wipers thud quietly

Need.. to free ..my mind

I search for clarity through the fog in my head
While I peer outside through the fog on the windows

Zone back in…

Just to narrowly escape a collision
They weren’t paying attention
I wasn’t paying attention
The taste of peanut chews on my teeth

And a reminder about the simple… fragile … painful… beauty…
Of life

Inked

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The permanence of a tattoo is what makes it fine art

Created for the enjoyment of myself and others

A form of self expression
Exempt from any and all formal criticisms
Similar to the paint covered brushes the painter uses to construct a beautiful rendition of the thoughts that traverse the crevasses of his brain
Similar to the ink the skilled artist uses to brand my skin for all time…
The painter leaves his mark … in history

The tremble of the needle against my bones
Calculated, permanent strokes on an easel
Choreographed, dances between artist and gun
My skin as the dance floor
The path the needle and the hands that grip it painfully sketch leads to my heart
The things that I treasure with every fiber of my being
Carefully mixed colors capture the essence of the mind’s eye